Updated: Oct 8
Well at long last, and after some detours, it has finally come to pass that I have turned that corner I knew I would get to eventually. My new residence lies right on the corner between calm and faith. The corner where the trajectory of my life will change, if I can accept what is and let go of what was. I have started packing all of the baggage that no longer suits me and throwing it all away, remnants of a former life that has no place here in this new location. I will find new places to put away what I may need later; strength, fortitude, determination. I will toss away the things that no longer belong here; such as sadness, despair, hopelessness. It is a new place, a new dwelling, a place to start anew. It took awhile, and I was as ever, resistant to the change foisted upon me. I resisted, I struggled, I dug in my heels and refused to listen to what my circumstances have told me. This conversation I have refused to have, I refused to engage in, has forced my hand. This change was unavoidable, as all change is. I have finally embraced it, accepted it, because really, there is no choice. Life will take you where you need to be, and if you stop struggling with it, it will all work out for your good. I believe this is true for me. I have finally made my peace with this journey. I have come to terms, as I have long needed to.
My life changes have arrived in multiple forms; relationships, jobs, spirituality, even death. These changes were hard to reckon with, and my struggle with them has changed me. I can say that my reaction to my circumstances has colored my perspective on life in general. That very often, life as you know it does not always look the way you thought it would. That the very things that can break you, can also make you. They can make you stronger, harder, wiser, more foolish, angry, bitter. It can make you all those things. Every misstep though, will still get you where you need to be. The journey itself is arduous a lot of the time. It is exhausting. It is hard. It is very often painful. It is also, fantastic. It can also be, if you only let it, even be great. It all has to depend on the lens through which you view it. Often, at the time, emotion colors how we see our circumstances. When something very trying is going on, my outlook would generally trend toward a darker place. I would let all my personal struggles alter my joy and my inner peace. It was all very often overwhelming and the pain seemingly too expansive to recover from. It was an awful lot to absorb and to take in. Avoidance was the only recourse, but when it shifted back and became unavoidable, it was a stark reminder for me to finally come to terms and make my peace. All those dark times can really make it seem like there is no purpose in any of the pain, that all the best days are behind you. I have had many setbacks these past few years, more setbacks than it felt I could withstand. It is also hard to maintain the dignity required to keep going, in the face of some of these humiliations, but I persist anyhow.
It has been said that tough times never last, but tough people do. I would say that this too is also true for me. My tough times have not yet disappeared, they are still ongoing. I stand here today in the midst of them. The hurt that could have very easily have broken me, did not. The hurt and bitterness that would have easily permeated my soul and stayed residing there, did not remain, though it did and sometimes still comes by for a visit, like an unwelcome house guest. Not to say I did not come close to letting it anchor itself here. It came closer than I would like to admit. I am however, still here, standing tall. I have a few chinks in my armor, but that is to be expected. I have tried some new things, like writing for example, and taking a creative writing class and even dating, to name a few. I have gone on a few dates, I expect I will (hopefully) go on a few more. It feels so unreal to be doing this, especially at my age, where I thought I was supposed to be doing the exact opposite. At this age, I was supposed to have settled down, and reached an unspoken agreement that this was the stage of life where I am exactly where I am supposed to be and content with where and who I am. I could not be further from that ideal. My life is in a state of upheaval. Who knew? The dates I have gone on have just solidified in me the idea that the man I am meant to be with, will be able to contend with me, as I am. I am a lot to take on. I am a lot of work, especially now, as guarded about my heart as I have become. I am as obstinate as a person can be. I am also worth it. I have underestimated my capabilities and devalued myself. Those days are long over. I know who I am, I know my value, and the right person will see all those things in me that I hid from for so long. I am closer to my destiny now than I was a few short years ago. I do not know yet where this road is leading, and I expect I will take some more missteps before I have arrived at the place where I should be . I just know that I am capable of recognizing my errors quicker, and righting them before any real damage is done. Despite how it looks to most, my life is good, even when it is not. As I embark down this road, the road the good Lord saw fit to put in front of me, I know that it is okay not to know where I'm going and to know I do not have any easy answers for the why of all this just yet. I may never know. I suppose that it is okay NOT to know. I do not need to have all the answers. It is okay to miss all that I had, to revisit those moments in my thoughts, to mourn that loss from afar, and to be okay with letting it go, just the same. Those little pangs will ebb and flow, I just have to let them come, and just as quickly to let them leave, lest they detour me in these travels, and that they do not become so overwhelming that I cannot continue. I have to soldier on, a little worse for wear, but not undeterred in finding my purpose. That is where I am, my current state of mind. I may not always have joy all day every day, but I try to find a little joy in the every day. That is where I believe, your miracles start to show up. Those little miracles are where you can see the most hope.