Looking for Signs
I have been floundering for the last couple of years, trying to look for meaning in my present circumstances. A breakup, living through the isolation of a pandemic, and the restlessness that seems to have taken up permanent residence within me. I keep telling myself that there is a reason for this. At the end of the day, this presents just an opportunity for me to grow. This is my time to make my “big move”. I have to tell myself this, so that everything can make sense. Up until my life blew up, I was ok. Everything was fine until it wasn’t. I had everything I could have asked for, until I didn’t. I had the best job, I had friends there and I was content. I had personal freedom, it was actually fun, and jobs like those are hard to find. The only problem arose once I had to contend with someone who I like to call Napoleon. If I had never agreed to assist him with his work endeavors, I would probably still be there. I say probably because, honestly, given the nature of my restlessness, I could really only hazard a guess as to that. Given the nature of my mental health at the time, I am not sure how true this statement is.This is the weirdest time in my life. I seem to take everything as a sign and cling to it like is is the very thing I am supposed to do. God has given me a sign and I must answer the call. Well, it so happens that not everything that has come my way has been meant for me. I needed to believe it at the time, because I desperately needed to know that I had finally found my footing. I have been as lost as a person could be, so lost that I may never find my way again. I have taken job after job, with the idea that this was “The Job”. This was what I needed. This was what would keep my feet firmly planted in that terra firma. I will grow here. Surely. God would not send a job my way if it was not what I’m supposed to be doing. Only, it appears that every time I answer the call, that restless spirit makes a resurgence, even worse than before. I have no idea at this point what I am even doing. I am back at school part time and working, but school is not for everyone and it seems right now, that even learning takes too much energy that this restlessness does not allow for. I suppose the only thing that my present condition even allows me to entertain is that there is real value in staying still. Sometimes, the best move to make is no move at all. It has been a hard won realization on my part, however, that staying still is the only move that makes sense. I know, that with time, wherever this journey I am on will take me, I will finally find some consolation that the place I find myself, and where I am the most contented, will be the place my soul finally finds the peace it seeks. My heart clamors for it. I am on my way there now, I hope can find solace on my walk there. I think acknowledging my very real sense of being lost, has me halfway to being found.