Finding the Way Out
I have often heard the phrase, "Life comes at you fast" and I have found that to be especially true this year. So many things have changed, and yet I have not really processed them all entirely. I'm currently exploring the landscape amongst the ruins of my former life and navigating the new terrain. It appears a little rocky from here and it looks quite daunting, but it's something I have to explore to determine the best new path forward.
For every turn I take, there will be some walls I hit, and I'll struggle then to keep myself moving. Hitting those walls is the worst, I already know defeat, and I just want to savor victory. When I take one turn, and I find some promise, I keep going. Those moments are the ones that inspire me to keep my head up and keep walking that path hoping for greener pastures and brighter days ahead. It's far easier to motivate myself to trudge ahead when I find myself on that path. It doesn't appear tough, and it seems easy enough to walk through with no adversity. It's easier to rest there for a bit, until I have to forge ahead again, with a renewed spirit.
The hardest days are when I hit that turn that takes me to a rocky, jagged path and doesn't seem to offer any promise. I know that following that path invites only despair and pain. The only choice I have is to go through it or go back. If I go back, the only thing that awaits me is that which I already know. I also know that if I plan on changing my outcome, the only way out is through it. I'll suffer a bit more, but in the end, the joy I find will have made it redemptive for me. One small triumph to add to the other little victories in my progress. I'll keep going, buttressed only by sheer resolve and the knowledge that the quicker I move on, the sooner the pain is diminished.
All in all, life continues for me unabated, as it has to. There were and still are days when I wonder if it's all worth it. Some days, it really seems like it is. Hope springs eternal for me then. I cloak myself in optimism like a shield and go about my day, knowing I won't accept defeat. On other days, it hardly seems worth getting out of bed at all. I don't relish the idea of getting hit with another devastating blow, I'm quite tired right now as it is. I don't need or want a reminder of my dismal failures, or greatest defeats. I don't need to be reminded that I have accepted far less than my worth for far too long. Those days are the hardest, as I know I have only myself to blame, that I chose the path of least resistance. That's the bitter pill I have to swallow and it doesn't go down easily. I choose now to TRY to focus on the good, hard as it will be some days. I know it won't always be this awful, and there is light at the end of the tunnel. So my journey continues...