Updated: Jul 18
"Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things unseen"
I did not want to to write this. I did not want to have to find these words for you at all. I didn't want my present circumstances. I wanted my life as it was,intact, whole, and seemingly full of contentment. I was exactly where I wanted to be. Life was seemingly perfect, and where I was supposed to be at this stage of my life. To anyone on the outside looking in, life was ideal. Seemingly ideal. Sure there were some fissures in my relationship, that over time seems to become huge fault lines. I had gone on, ignoring them, until I could ignore them no longer. Once I brought them out into the open, well it was then everything imploded. It is only when you have everything you think you could ever want, when the enemy moves in.
The enemy truly does come to kill, steal and destroy. He does quite a remarkable job at it, really. I give credit where credit is due. I will add,however, that in many ways, those lingering resentments that I had harbored throughout this,have contributed largely to my present story. I added many insults to many injuries, and as expected, things only soured from there. I had refused to let God sort it out, and thought I could handle this mess. Well no, that is not exactly how things worked out for me. God is sovereign, and things will work out according to His good plan for your life, and no other way than His way will prevail. This is where finding faith or holding on to it comes in. It is at these moments, that if you have faith it will be tested. It is an endurance test of sorts. This is where you have to dig deep and be persistent in it. If you lack faith, this is where you have to dig deep and find it. God does allow these trials to come. He will allow the enemy to attack, knowing these trials are where you really find your footing and have to learn to lean on Him and trust Him so completely. It is in the midst of trials when you are at your lowest, that God holds you. You feel hopeless but there is hope. You feel tested, but this gives you testimony. When you feel like you are falling short, you are exactly where you need to be in the race you’re running. I am running my own race. Running towards my calling, my God-given purpose. He has been patiently cultivating me to help me flourish. I certainly will, but getting here has been very humbling. I suppose I needed to be humbled or I never would have gotten to this point. I can honestly say now that my joy has been tempered, but necessarily so. I have been brought to this low point to elevate Him, show the good works He has begun in me. Make no mistake, those good works are right now still seeds, waiting to germinate at just the right time. At the time and place of His choosing. I will make it, and will get to where I am supposed to be. I wait here in the wilderness in the meantime, knowing God is with me, He is fighting my battles for me. He is doing this for me, even as I still try to make peace with it all. Even while I have had some momentary lapses and a few residual doubts of where I end up. His inherent goodness remains. It is always unwavering, though we struggle to see it some days. I can no longer fight Him. I no longer want to. God’s will always prevails, and I can no longer fight what He calls me to do.I am still sorting out what it is He calls me to do, but it will be with purpose, whatever that is. I trust in Him, though getting to this point has not come to me easily. He and I, we had some words. He always knew I would get here though, and my path has not been easy. I suppose the point is not to make it easy, it it to make it worthwhile. The choice isn’t really in my hands anyhow.