A Letter to Samuel on his 16th Birthday
Updated: Aug 13
Every year, I seem to have the same sentiments when your birthday comes around. I cannot believe we are here again and you are now sixteen years of age. The time truly does pass in the blink of an eye. It is that time of year again, a time to celebrate you. Another year older, another year wiser. Your once bright blue eyes have turned a bluish-green hue and that blonde hair of yours that competed with the rays of the sun, has turned a darker shade of wheat. There was a time once, not long ago, that I had to bend downward to look right into your eyes, and now your tower over me. I have to look up to see those beautiful eyes. My beautiful boy, so much has changed, and so much has stayed the same. You still have the same implacable love for me that you have always had. Your Joker grin has maintained its toothiness and the joy contained within remains there too. While I remember you so fondly as my beautiful baby, my child, you are now a young man and I do myself a great disservice to forget this. We are here at this place of the "in-between". You are right at the precipice of manhood, and all that encompasses, while you are also still very much a kid in behavior and manner. The in between of who you are, and who you will become. The in between moments of loving me, and hating me. The in between of wanting me near, and trying to stay as far from me as possible.The in between of trying to hold onto me, while simultaneously trying to let go of me. The letting go part really hurts me the most. I knew this day would come, and it has come sooner than I was ready for. If indeed, I will ever really be ready. I know you need the independence, to figure out who you are, but I struggle with that. I find I assert myself far more strongly than I intend to, in a misguided attempt to keep you tethered to me, for just a little bit longer. You will be out there in this world, on your own, before I really had time to entertain what life would look like without you near me. I know that life will look different, and some things, maybe many things, will change for us, moving ahead, but this will not be the first time we've adapted to big changes, and this certainly will not be the last. One thing that will always remain unchanged, and will always keep us harbored, is the very bond of a mother for her son, and a son for his mother. I am forever grateful that God saw fit to let me be your mother. I will close this years birthday letter to you with a favorite quote from a poem I read and for some reason, I find it quite accurately describes you and my love for you, when I hear it:
"I love the handful of earth that you are, because of its meadows, vast as a planet, I have no other star."-Pablo Neruda
I love you Samuel, in ways both great and small, I love you in a myriad of ways, through it all. Oh my beautiful baby boy.
Love you always,